"The Conjuring" Is Hilariously Bad...

My reaction to "The Conjuring" was pretty predictable. I hate most ghost movies (a notable exception being Ti West's "The Innkeepers") and I dislike movies filled with jump scares where the main focus is on startling the audience rather than building up a genuine atmosphere.

Still, I heard a lot of people praising "The Conjuring" which made me wonder whether there might be more to it. In actual fact, the real life story of the frauds perpetrated by the Warrens actually made me even more interested to check out the film. Films are all about suspending disbelief and I had no doubt that a really great horror movie could come from a ridiculously overblown version of the Warrens' antics.

While it will come as no surprise to hear that I didn't like "The Conjuring", my specific reaction seems rather atypical even amongst the films detractors. You see, this film begins by telling the story of a doll called Anabelle. The doll has been inhabited by some kind of spirit and it scares inhabitants of the flat by appearing in random locations and writing creepy words on the walls in red crayon.

I was immediately reminded of Child's Play, except that I had never found the bare-bones premise of the possessed doll quite as funny as I did here. I couldn't help myself. I completely cracked up. It didn't help that the young women in the flat had completely failed to consider, say, throwing the dol in the trash. Nor did they ever seem to consider the possibility that their flat might have been broken into or that someone was playing a prank on them. However, they DO decide to consult a medium (long before they get around to contacting the Warrens). The characters completely freaking out because a doll is sitting not moving IN THE WRONG PLACE. What's more when they gasp at the presence of red crayons NEXT TO THE DOLL'S HANDS. And the dramatic horror-movie music is not helping me to take things seriously either.

I should point out at this point that, had I been correct, this wouldn't have been the first time that a horror-comedy was mistaken for serious horror by audiences. The obvious example which comes to mind is "The Blair Witch Project". Plenty of audiences were annoyed with one character for kicking the map into the river, seemingly failing to recognise the comedy in that scene. Even when the comedy is more overt, when that same character resorts to eating a leaf, apparently viewers still didn't recognise the comedy.

I'm wondering whether the more mainstream horror community isn't perhaps rather humourless. Not meaning to make this issue all centred around one film, but if we consider audience reactions to "Jason X" there are many out there who cannot stand that movie. Now that's fine. I personally think "Jason X" is a lot of fun, but that is not the point. The point is that there is a difference between the dismissive reaction of "this isn't funny enough or scary enough and it's a waste of time" and the dismissive reaction of "they set a Friday the 13th movie in space? That's dumb." The former criticism is from someone who is expecting to have a good time, but the latter criticism is from someone who is taking the slasher genre far too seriously (not that you can't have great serious slashers, such as "Cold Prey").

Back to "The Conjuring". It becomes clear after a while that the film is intended to be serious, but it's hard to understand how. I think Wan's movies are always a little on the goofy side. There's Donald Glover's intentionally hammy performance in the first "Saw" movie and there's the seance involving gas masks and electronics geeks in "Insidious". I think Wan has every intention on including a little light-hearted fun here. But I cannot help but feel that things are misjudged in this case.

When the witch turns up, there are plenty of moments where I am brought to tears with laughter. The witch sitting on top the wardrobe is the goofiest moment of the movie. I also found the assertion that this movie is not intended as a horror-comedy harder to accept than ever when the witch floats over a victim wearing over-the-top uglifying make-up and vomits blood into the victims mouth in full "Drag Me To Hell" slapstick style. If this isn't intentional humour then I'd be inclined to rate this as a "so bad it's good" kind of film. But it's hard to fully commit to that stance when this is an enormously profitable film which is taken ultra-seriously across the globe.

Asides from a sense of fun, Wan also provides some rather neat camera angles. I feel like he spent more time working on getting the camera angles right than he did on maintaining a consistent tone or atmosphere. This film is far too cliched to ever produce a proper engrossing horror atmosphere. But I can give it full credit for the way it is shot.

I'm not sure if the portrayal of the Warrens is dodgy or perfect. I think Vera Farmiga is a great actress and she generally raises the quality of anything she is in. However, there's an odd kind of balance between the a sort of reserved coldness of her character and the psychic empathy she's supposed to be experiencing. Also Patrick Wilson's portrayl of Ed Warren gives him this confident delivery that feels a bit like the approach of a salesman. I wonder whether this is actually because they are imitating the real life people and their manner in tv interviews. But the result is that, even while the movie seems to be beatifying the Warrens, I still find it very easy to see what the real life frauds would be like. But in Patrick Wilson's performance in particular I find it very hard to buy into the sincere fictional character. He just feels too much like he's trying to sell the paranormal to people.

The 'real' ghostbusters...

Another issue with the "based on a true story" element comes up when the mother character finds herself with mysterious bruises on her body. She suggests that it is possibly something to do with iron in her blood. I'm afraid that's not what issues with iron in your blood tends to do and there's very obvious possible culprit that comes to mind before we get to poltergeists, demons and the trapped souls of evil witches.... and that is that the husband is beating her.

Real life Lorraine Warren with the Annabelle doll.

And let's not forget the absurd conclusions that the Warrens reach and how ridiculous it is to suggest that they came to them through research. The discover that the house contained a woman connected with another woman hanged for witchcraft at Salem. They also discover that the woman in the house apparently sacrificed her child to the devil and then hung herself. Yeah, I know it's all fictional, but there weren't a lot of actual witches at Salem, never mind ones which inexplicably believe in and worship Satan with an interest in murdering their own offspring. The Warrens were well known for coming to areas where, so far, the presumption was that they might be dealing with ghosts, only to persuade the (most often Catholic) families that they were dealing with demons. It's strange how a lot of the content of this movie actually made a great deal more sense when you consider the real life figures on which it is based.

There aren't as many bangs and crashes as I was expecting, so that's a positive point. Yet on the other hand when I wasn't laughing out loud at this film I found myself a little bored. Asides from the two central characters, everyone else is pretty boring. Perhaps it's because the Warrens are being played by the best actors? I had thought that the mother was played by Marcia Gay Harden, the religious fanatic from "The Mist", but actually it turns out that the actress was Lili Taylor, who I don't really recognise at all. She seemed like an alright actress though. Just not very interestingly written. Also, hideously underused, is Shanley Caswell, the protagonist from the incredible underrated comedy 90s-tribute extravaganza "Detention". The worst acting in the film undoubtedly comes from the actress playing the Warrens' daughter who speaks like someone at least 5 years younger than she looks.

I've never been a big fan of ghost stories in films and this is no exception. Characters don't act in the most sensible way and everyone seems a little overly gullible. Some scenes are unintentionally hilarious and there were plenty of moments that had me in stitches. I was rather amused by some of the lines too, a particularly notable example being when Patrick Wilson calls out confidently "By the power o'God, I condemn you to hell!"

What flipping nonsense...